Hope you're all ok. It's a longer one today with a big share, if you've time to read it grab a cuppa if not have a beaut of a day ahead.
As my No-vember campaign comes to a close, I really hope the reminders each week encouraging you to practice saying no have helped you through. Silly season officially commences, ready or not this Sunday, so, with that in mind & the 1000's of emails flying in around black friday encouraging us to buy shit we don't need to impress people we don't even like, I wanted to share some thoughts on an aspect of Christmas that maybe doesn't get enough air time as it should. Grief.
A year ago I had a call from my stepmother saying the doctors had given Dad about 48hours to live and could I get a flight out to Australia asap. I went into shock and hyper focus and within 6hours, Steve was driving me to Heathrow. I'd booked a flight, packed, gotten insurance and a visa. Everyone says Australia is only 24hours away, believe me, I'm a pro at that journey and it takes 48hrs.
I drew on all my mindfulness & yoga tools, breathwork, visualising me walking into hospital and sitting with Dad, meditation, walking around the plane, getting 1000's of steps in during my 4hours in Hong Kong whilst receiving amazing heart felt support from my inner circle. It was tough mentally, emotionally & spiritually. Physically I was also recovering from a car accident a few weeks earlier that wrote my car off so that in itself was challenge enough.
I made it in time to spend a wonderful few weeks with him before he passed and then I entered my year of firsts. All the things I'd do, see & experience that I'd usually whizz a whatsapp message, call or send photos about I could no longer do. Just this huge gaping chasm, a void of deep painful raw grief and feeling very very alone.
All I could do was turn to nature as that's the only thing at that point I knew was true & made sense.
New Year, my birthday in Feb, Dad's birthday in March, all passed by in a blur. I've still got tabs open on my phone of all the little things we googled whilst Dad was in hospital, his favourite tree - weeping silver birch tree, his favourite cars Jaguar xk150 and ford popular - his parents car that he drove them in when he first passed his test. I made notes whilst we talked and recordings I still can't listen do, I've voice notes from him, one asking for me to bring some fresh bread into hospital with a really crunchy crust as he needed texture as chemo had burnt out his taste buds. My heart broke....again. I still find it immensely hard to even look at a photo of him.
His last words to me were "you're the best thing I ever did". Now etched in my heart.
So how do we deal with this? Cry, journal, feel sorry for yourself & have the pity party, then sleep it off or at least rest. Just don't get stuck, keep fluid around the feelings, feel them then do something healthy to soothe yourself. A cup of tea, walk in nature, journal, cook or bake, phone a friend, standing and shaking, be with your kids and or pets,
There's no easy way and tomorrow is another day where we get up and go again at this thing called life. I'll be sharing more on this tough subject and practical ways on how to move through it next time. I'm hoping by being raw, open & honest and sharing part of my story it'll help anyone else feeling similar. I see you and sometimes that's enough.
Big love - Jo xx
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